A grain of sand

Due to lockdown, I’ve noticed a lot of poeple being more reflective either about the world or about themselves, often leading to some sort of change. I started being slightly more vocal recently about some situations in my past. My friend was bewildered and confused when she found out what happened; I’m a child abuse and multiple rape survivor.

From a relative to a group of classmates, to a stranger who groomed me and an old boss of a random cash in hand temp job who spiked my drink…and more. Despite this I remain a people lover. I love meeting new people and making friends. I always look at new people as new friends to make.

My friend was curious how I’m still such a positive person. I pondered why I’m still open and trusting. The memories can weigh me down like heavy rocks tied to my heart, but over time I’ve reduced their affect by filling my life with joy and purpose.

It led me to be quite outgoing in terms of taking back my own sexual control in school and beyond, always known for kissing boys (and later girls) in the playground. I had a lot of good and real friends but I know this is something people talked about. A lot of lies were spread by people who tried it on and failed. People who knew me knew the truth and my heart.

I now carry small grains of sand, reduced by the waves I make and now my life is the ocean. And I can be thankful for they have made me the person I am today…I think I’m stronger, more resilient and maybe wouldn’t have achieved everything I have in life up to now; from finishing uni after getting pregnant, to working two jobs while raising a family ( with a man who lovingly stuck around) to my volunteering, my 8 albums/EPs, my events and community work both in my neighbourhood and city and now across the country online with other BESEA (British East & South East Asian) friends.

I think though my friend wanted positivity tips for people? So here’s some in summary:

Love is stronger than hate – show and give love whenever you can and it will come back to you like karma and fill you with joy while you give it and beyond.

Forgiveness and understanding is freedom – there’s always a reason for something and always a conversation opportunity to build bridges.

Sprinkle little joys into your day when/where-ever possible – I like touching velvet (I’m quite sensory) so I got velvet pillows and stroke them all the time, yours could be like a certain treat to eat, touch, smell, see. I love looking at clouds float and thinking about how magical it is that water goes into the sky and forms clouds…which leads me to

Appreciate the miracle that is life, and learn about the science of how things work. It’s so easy to take them for granted. Which leads me to…

Gratitude is the attitude. We all have something to be grateful for. Bodies that live and move, senses that experience life, friendship, family, shelter…I sometimes count my blessings like an endless list when something makes me sad and it soon cheers me up.

Dare to dream, but don’t get consumed by it. It’s great to have dreams and goals and strive for something, but don’t get caught up in the need for them (I know I have!). They are like visions to the future or wishes. Blow them away and let them go into the wind, then live a life following things that bring you bliss and give you purpose and through your actions and feelings they will come back to you in some way or another.

Faith isn’t just for religions – I really appreciate all religions, and I believe they are just formalised teachings from different people and places of the same things (through the lenses of various times and cultures), of how to lead good lives that help others and fulfil our life’s purpose. I used to think I had no faith, but now I know I had no one religion (though the one I most connect to right now is Taoism and then Buddhism). I have faith, just like we know the earth will keep spinning, and the sun will keep rising, I have faith that if I live a good life following joy and helping others when I can, in the best way I can, that the universe will look after me. We are all connected and part of something.

Embrace mistakes and don’t waste a moment– no-ones perfect, if you can forgive others then forgive yourself, and work out what life’s lesson it was there to teach you. As the art I gave my nan says (which now hangs on my wall) ‘ yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift, use it well.’

Also I’m not saying we shouldn’t have negative emotions, life is a spectrum of good and bad and we must cry if we feel like crying – work through and live those moments of sadness and frustration or whatever and then when you’ve let them out ( I find a problem shared is truly a problem halved and also dancing and singing to any song that reps how you feel is great way to get physical and vocal without hurting anyone/thing except maybe their ears lol) and then fill your life with the waves of joy, bliss, love, forgiveness and gratitude…Then the rocks that burden our backs will breakdown to grains of sand, still there to remind us of their teachings, but so much lighter to bare.

On a last note, I like to think of these two opposites; how much one person can change the world, and how insignificant we all are – just tiny specs in the universe part of something so much bigger than us. One time I was in a peer support group for community work and someone said to me, “Don’t ask what the world needs, just do what makes you come alive, because what the world needs is for more people to come alive, like you.” It reminded me of a line I wrote in one of my songs the line is ‘we’re living, but what are we living for?’ It’s yet to be recorded but here’s some new music below for now – It’s all about the journey I went through to get to a confident place and I want everyone to have the chance to learn from my experiences.

Love will save the day. Kala

My new album NINE DRAGON was released on Friday. For the full story of the album and each song plus free/pay what u like download go to my bandcamp here. (Plus It’s on usual online stores if you prefer to add it to your Spotify(embed below) / iTunes etc).

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