It was time to let go with love… transform and be reborn. It felt like I died and then, oh the light!
I’d spent my life waiting for someone to save me from my past whilst trying to love myself. But I only truly healed, when I decided and declared I wanted to be like Jesus; I wanted to be love. I realised that my power was in focussing only on what I could change, both within and for myself. At the time of writing my new single Saviour, I believed I had to rescue myself, alone. (More on my recent 3 singles linked at the end of this blog. )
It all started when I made an honesty pact with a friend, because we wanted to be the best versions of ourselves and started telling each other the annoying things we did and agreed to accept the feedback and work to change, ‘cause we wanted to be like Jesus ( I wasn’t Christian at the time but I’d been inspired by the Gospel from R.E. classes as a kid.)
I began inviting my family to do the same, giving permission to tell me how I could be better.They initially said, “we love you just as you are”, but when they saw me begin to change, from the impact of the work with my friend, they accepted the invitation.
But I discovered the fears behind my actions. Turns out those fears (when we are triggered) are a signal to the trauma of our past. However ‘big’ or ‘small’ it may feel, it shapes who we become, not the carefree child we were born as. (It took some deep digging into my soul to find this).
Then what came was a storm of memories and emotions. But through (at the time) inexplicable spiritual experiences came a list of instructions, prophecies and a song. With the love of a friend and some family members, I was able to talk through it all and process why I do the things I don’t like or mean to do, like lose my temper, avoid certain situations or take offence.
Trying to be like Jesus from young, I was always forgiving those who had hurt me. Or so I thought – When I dug deeper what came to light was a deep belief that I deserved it, that I was trash and in danger of attack, and that deep belief had affected my entire inner world. I realised how much fear and shame I was walking around with. I had been intensely scared to go into public loos, be alone in the dark, I even had heightened fears of little things like bugs. (I’ve now shed all those fears and shame, this journey melted them away, with some self work to massage it into my heart).
Then one night I was guided by a higher power to go into my bedroom with my teddy bear and scream and get angry at all the men who’d hurt me in my childhood and teenage years. After I was finished reliving the worst memories of my life, I began to rock and spoke these words (from something beyond me): “they didn’t mean it, they just didn’t have love”. Later it was explained how that darkness comes from the absence of light. That the unloving actions many do, come from a lack of love they have received, some so desperate they try to force it.
What followed was what felt like an unfolding video game, but in real life, with levels and challenges involving many people around me. Even Christians around me would give me messages and I knew what it meant I had to do next.
And that whole journey is for, perhaps, another story alongside my next three song releases.
What I have come to realise after over a year of difficulty, finally processing trauma and becoming my true self, is that Love/God’s way is a partnership. Yes, God/Love reached into my life and saved me, but only after I declared who I wanted to be and how I wanted to live and took steps towards embodying that myself.
Now I see it’s a partnership to be and live love out. I was quite good at giving love before (often too much / unbalanced and also not being love sometimes in protection mode),and not so good at seeing the truth in my adult personal life, when it was clouded by the memories of my past.
I decided I wanted to see Heaven On Earth/ Paradise and wasn’t going to sit and wait for the second coming or someone to save me, I wanted to be the change I wanted to see in the world, and help bring it about. It’s still a journey everyday, to do my part as best as I can, but it’s so much easier now I have peace and love. I tried to be peace and love my whole life, but the foundation was broken, so it wobbled under pressure.
I suffered it all again, I felt like I was torn apart, died and came back to life, but it was worth it in the end. I was asked to let go of my old life including; a job, a husband, a friend, and now my house. Every time I have let go of something I was called to do, I have experienced miraculous change in my inner being and outer world, including improved relationships and more ripple effects.
To let go, with love, of the things that are not for me have been the hardest but eventually most freeing things I’ve ever done. I never thought I would stop feeling like a piece of trash for all the awful things that have been done to me from the ages of 10-17 and all the things I’ve accepted or allowed or done since then (I just learned what needs and boundaries are!). But I finally am beginning to feel whole and thank God for showing me how to heal, be love and forgive and for bringing new wonderful people into my life, as well as my existing family and friends holding me in love as I’ve gone through a massive evolution, freaking many out around me along the way!
What I’ve finally learned to do in order to love myself is trust myself and who I really am; that we are all / can be like Christ. I step slowly into my new life and new self, with trust in something greater than me. Whatever has happened to us, do not let that shape who we become, become who you really are; who you were made to be!
2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.”
Isaiah 43:18-19: “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up, do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”
KALA CHNG 張 